Sydney Blake

After my depressing post, something funny:

You know that me and Mr B are a couple since 2003? No? Now you do.

I've been waiting for him to pop the question. We did talk about marriage and both want to spend the rest of our lifes together, but he never asked me officially to marry him. But I'm (patiently?) waiting.

Recently, he keeps talking about marriage details and I've been thinking he's going to ask soon.
I always said that there was no need to hurry, it was just important for me to have my gradnparents there at my wedding. I wanted to dance with my grandfather. That's impossible now and we're both sad because of it. I thought this would be it, he's going to ask soon...

Well, about two weeks before christmas, I put the ring Mr B gave me for our first christmas together and I'm wearing ever since onto the table to put cream on my hands.
He took it, tried it out on several fingers until it fit. I asked him what he was doing and he said 'Huh? Oh, nothing...' and put it back.

Well, christmas came and went as did New Year's Eve and nothing happened. 
I was a bit disappointed, but didn't mind too much.

Then, two weeks ago, We had sparkling wine.
He opened the bottle in my absence and we drank some. A bit was left in the bottle and I asked him to share the rest. He told me to drink it up and I poured the rest of the sparkling wine into my glass. It went 'bing' and my heart started to beat really fast.
I said 'Something fell into my glass...' and he held it up against the light, saying 'There's something in there... looks like a... crystal?'
My heart beat even harder and i drank up, finding in my glass... crystalized sugar.

Now do tell me: Am I paranoid? Or does he maybe want to torture me a bit? Does he do this on purpose? Or does he have no clue?

I don't know, really, but my previous disappointment is gone and I keep smiling and thinking how funny it is. I keep searching for signs of what his plans are and he may have know clue about it. My best friend keeps laughing and telling me that me and Mr B are the best soap opera ever...

We've got a dog now (a great dane, called Aina) and Mr B asked me what she will wear once we get married. Whats the man up to??

"On monday last week, my grandfather was brought to the hospital for the fifth time this year. He was very ill.
He's been feeling weak for about two years now, slipped and fell in february and became terribly weak in august. When he was brought to the hospital again, he was in a terrible condition. The only sentence he managed to utter several times was "I don't want this anymore."
I spent my days at the hospital from monday until thursday, holding his hand and talking to him. Half the time I didn't even know if he was listening. On thursday, we decided to take him home.
He hated hospitals more than anything, and there was nothing else the doctors could do."

That's what I wanted to post in the end of october. It took me until now to get me to post.

My grandfather died on october, 26th. I held a speech in the church at the funeral and had to go back to university the day after. Then there was christmas, then exams... and now I finally get a rest. And it hurts. I miss him. We had a very close relationship.

The death of my grandfather influenced me in a way I never expected. I lost my drive when I lost him. I'm reconsidering my choices and priorities which may not be a bad thing.
I've always wanted my grandfather to be proud of me and he never told me he was. What he did was telling other people about my accomplishments, which showed me that he was proud of me, no matter what he said or didn't say... He was born in 1930, which means he grew up in the bad times. His parents were not married, his stepfather didn't want him, he was actually sent to a children's home where the children were beaten until blood was drawn... But I'm rambling. All I wanted to say is, that he never learned how to express feelings. He only learned to shut emotions in. Telling other people of all the things I did was the closest he was able to give as a compliment.

I'm not fishing for sympathy here, though. I just want to explain my absence. I hope I'll be back now, I'm just not sure how regular. Sorry if this post was somehow depressing...

Thanks for your lovely birthday wishes, I was soo happy to receive them! You guys are the best!

I'll give you the first two, because they only make sense together...

'The diffrense from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside.'

The book is 'Mister God, this is Anna' by Fynn. It starts with a quotation of Anna at the age of six. She didn't live to celebrate her eighth birthday. It is a (mostly?) true story.

I love this book. It means a lot to me and my family and I keep telling people to 'read it already'.

I'm starting with the famous words of Pratchett's Granny Weatherwax because
a) I'm alive alright and
b) Granny's the Best and you should check her out if you don't know her.

There's a lot of stuff going on right now and I can't even really keep up with what you guys write, let alone comment much or even respond.

I failed chemistry, which was to be expected but still means stress for me.

I'm working on the decoration, menue and drinks for my birthday (I build a stand to present the food on, using a teapot, a vase and several plates)








But the preparations came to a sudden halt when my grandfather had to go to the hospital. He turns 81 next monday and has several physical issues, the probably worst being several fractured vertebras, not being the reason he's in hospital right now, though. He can barely stand, let alone walk, and we've got to get him a hospital bed for home...

My grandparents have eleven children. One of my aunts and one of my uncles decided to take care of all that has to be done. They do it... not very efficient, if you ask me, but I didn't tell them, because they mean well and up until now they didn't cause any harm, even though they weren't as helpful as they think they are, either.
Me and Mr B offered our help. They did not only not want our help, they got angry because we offered it, telling us that they can very well manage all alone.

I went to visit my grandfather and, by accident, met the doctor. We started to talk a bit and he asked me if I'd take care of my grandfather getting regularly to a resident doctor. I told him that I happily would, but couldn't, because he can't even stand, let alone walk.
And the response of the doctor actually was "He can't... why can't he walk?"
He didn't even know. My aunt and uncle did not talk to the doctor about the fact that my grandfather will, weak as he now is, not be able to go to the damn toilet on his own!
After our talk, the doctor made several calls, made sure my grandfather can stay in hospital over the weekend and his fractured vertebras are finally treated!

Seriously, the man slipped on ice and fell, hitting the ground with his back causing fractures in february, that are not treated yet (examined by several doctors, yes, but not treated at all) and the nursing staff in the hospital didn't even know.

My grandmother tells me to stand back, because my aunt and uncle are in control of the situation, but the situation looks out of control to me. Only today I was able to persuade my grandfather to eat a waffle. He hadn't eaten anything the whole day.

I've got the feeling that nobody cares or maybe it is just too much for them, but they won't let me help.

I'm so sad! I'm visiting him every day now, bringing him juice (because he does not want to eat but drinks juices and I remember my mother telling me when my throat ached terribly and I couldn't swallow properly to drink mild juices at least), I made him waffles because he likes them and they are easy to eat. I help him sit up in bed and keep him company but I know there's so much more I could do if they just let me...

I hope my mother, who's ill right now and therefore not allowed to visit my grandfather, gets better soon, comes over and stops this madness. She's been geriatric nurse, they just have to listen to her if they don't want to listen to me...

I'm sorry, I know I tend to go on and on about bad situations and often don't tell about good ones, it's just that I have to get the bad ones out more urgently...

This situation does not leave me desperate or depressed, just angry and a bit sad.
I'm sure my grandfather is going to get better again, he looks weak and is very sad. He said that sometimes, he just wants to cry. He believes in things getting better, though, and he's always been a fighter. I love him a lot. He just has to get better soon. Sorry for rambling again...

We-ell...


( This is so going to have spoilers! )

Hugs and kisses,

Syd

 Oh dear, this is going to be a bit dramatic:

Today is the day my childhood eventually ends.

Seriously, I've been part of the potterverse since I've been twelve and tonight, I'm gonna go to see the last movie.

I remember when I was fifteen and seriously considered seeing a doctor because I was madly in love with Harry Potter (and I don't mean the books!).
Or when I was seventeen and developed a not-quite-as-irrational-as-the-Harry-crush obsession with the Malfoys, especially Draco...
I remember spending several hours a day working on fanfiction, sewing pleated skirts, painting ties in silver and green and actually discussing details of the books with my friends...

I'm gonna miss this. Oh Merlin, please don't let the fandom die!

 Oh my...

The parents of Mr B have two Great Danes, Amy and Kimba. Amy is two and a half years old and Kimba is ten and a half.
More than ten years is really old for a Great Dane...
Kimba has cancer, too. She's got boils in her throat that make breathing difficult and is, in general, really weak now.
The last days it got worse and worse, at times it sounds like she's suffocating and then she looks at you with those helpless eyes and all you can do is pat her and say 'Shhh, it's okay, dear... It's okay..."

We decided to have her put to sleep this evening.

I've had lengthy discussions about this with a friend of mine when we had our 21 year old tomcat put to sleep two years ago.
I understand her saying that you "don't just put your grandfather to sleep when he gets annoying" and all, but the cat had a weak heart, bad lungs and lost all his teeth. He'd either have suffocated or starved to death. I don't want that for my grandfather either, why expose my pets to that?

A bloody big 'Hey There!' to the BtVS fandom, I'm back! *wipes tear from corner of her eye* I just had to get that out...

Since you, tiny f-list. are really, really short, I guess you saw willowfaeries Fictional Character Flist Meme.

Now I asked willow to and rangerishot to pick characters for me. Willows response was this: